New Chivalry Puts The Man Back Into Manners
The Sunday Age
Sunday September 30, 2007
A tip for the confused modern man: women value good manners over looks and brains. Jacqueline Maley reports.
IT IS the anguished cry of modern men across the post-feminist world: what do women really want? Do they want a man-in-charge who picks up the bill, or a sensitive soul who fully respects his date's earning capacity and wouldn't dream of patronising her in such a way?Do they want the door held open for them, or are they perfectly capable of exiting a building under their own steam, thanks very much? The modern man, tired and confused as he is, can now relax. Debretts, the specialist British publisher and etiquette authority, has answered all his questions. What women want, it seems, is a fellow with good manners. According to research commissioned for Debretts' new book, Manners for Men, nearly two-thirds of women believe manners are the most important quality in a man, well above intelligence and looks.Unfortunately, almost 80 per cent of women thought men needed help in matters of etiquette. The book promises to steer the clumsier sex through the minefield of the feminine ego, from dating to engagement. "It's based on the idea of the new chivalry, which is just the courteous way to treat women," says Jo Bryant, the book's editor. "It's about what's a contrived gesture and what's more up to date. How can you look after your girl and be chivalrous without being patronising?" Bryant says it's easy for men to forget the polite touches necessary for one-to-one contact with women.Importantly, men must remember it's not about getting laid, it's about making women feel appreciated. "A well-mannered man will make the women around him feel at ease, which can only have a positive effect," Bryant says. Dating begins with "the approach", which should be direct. The book warns that sending over a drink to a woman in a bar is passe. Far better to bring it oneself.Men should not be shocked if a woman asks them out, but it's usually better to seize the manly initiative and get in first. A non-frilly, specific invitation - "Dinner on Thursday?" - is the correct form. A text reading "R U UP 4 IT?" is not. Once the date is secured, the man should take charge of arrangements and turn up early, so the woman will not be left alone waiting in a public place. "Never, ever consider a sport-related activity or meeting up with the lads to be an acceptable reason to cancel," the guide says. As for who picks up the bill for the date, whoever did the asking, should also do the paying. "Going Dutch on a date is never an option . . . Splitting the bill is fair and modern in principle, but in practice you may as well write 'I never, ever want to see you again' in letters of fire across the night sky."The section on grooming may be discouraging to metrosexuals. It advises men against looking "primped". Over-gelled hairstyles are too adolescent, and highlights in men's hair are "plain ridiculous". "Clothes are less of an issue than you think," the book says. "Women just don't want to be embarrassed by their date . . . Particularly to be avoided are prominent designer logos (you will look like an ad), leather trousers (you will look like a hairdresser) and T-shirts with 'amusing' slogans (you will look, without exception, like a nerd)."It should go without saying that hygiene is very important, but alas, it doesn't: "You should, at the very least, have showered within the last 12 hours."On the actual date, it is quite acceptable, and indeed desirable, for the man to take charge of his companion's physical comfort. "The aim is not to impress us with your impeccable manners (though, you undoubtedly will), but to give us the comforting feeling that the world seems less of a hassle when you're around."And while women prefer men not to make a song and dance of it, yes, modern women are hypocrites when it comes to door-opening. Even if we don't normally go in for the whole door-opening, chair-holding routine, we may well find ourselves playing up to it on a date, so it's worth a try.
© 2007 The Sunday Age